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Ana is stalked by one of Christian’s former emotionally-unstable submissives (Bella Heathcote) throughout the film, and when they have a “big” confrontation, Grey immediately defuses the situation then mentions that said stalker has been sent to a psychiatric ward, never to be heard from again. Then she insists on taking things slow, only for the two to start having sex by the end of the very same scene.
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Ana (Johnson) takes back Christian within 10 minutes of the film starting, despite the entirety of the climax of the last film being about her being driven away by him. Every single possible outlet for dramatic conflict is shut down firmly almost always by the start of the very next scene following it. It’s not interested in plot or conflict, that’s for damn certain. Fifty Shades Darker has absolutely no interest in anything. No, what I am most interested in is just how passionless and mercenary and cynical this entire film is. You’ve heard those talking points to death already and I’m not going to tell you anything you won’t have heard elsewhere from other, far better people – although I will say that this film openly acknowledges that Christian Grey (Dornan) is not a Dominant but a full-on Sadist, not that this stops him from being portrayed as totes dreamy with more money than God and more places than Geoff from The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Ditto Discourse 101 stuff about how these films don’t portray BDSM properly, or how this is an abusive relationship, or blah blah blah. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that the dialogue is atrocious, or that the acting is lifeless, or that Johnson and Dornan have the sexual chemistry of a rat and a bucket of bleach, or anything like that. I’m not going to waste your time telling that Fifty Shades Darker sucks. It’s not so much that Fifty Shades is “ashamed” of the genre and components that it is ostensibly a part of, as it does “has no feelings at all towards any part of it.” These are supposed to be scandalous, unashamedly dirty pieces of erotica, yet they are the safest, tamest, and most conservative kinds of “scandalous erotica” possible. The fact that these films are completely reticent to show us a fully-naked Jamie Dornan is reflective of their overall non-commitment to their own damn premise. I have written about this in a purposefully goofy and silly way, but I do have a serious point to make with the fact that neither of these films have bothered to give us even just one shot of Jamie Dornan in his natural birth state.
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Yet, two full movies over a total of 4 full hours have now passed and not once has either film given me even so much as a glimpse at the goods. To that end, I should be seeing some prime-cut man-meat on full display to go along with the many, many, many shots of Dakota Johnson’s boobs being exposed to the air outside of their bondage. The moment where we begin to try and normalise sex and horny lust and kinks instead of rolling our eyes or going “eww, gross!” at it.
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This is meant to be a gateway into a world and subgenre that, until now, has been shunned by mainstream society a legitimising, if you will. That’s what it was sold as, that’s what it became known for in the cultural sphere: steamy, filthy, horny smut that less supplements the usual “romance” aspect of a Romance novel and more completely subsumes it. Fifty Shades is supposed to be an erotic romance series. That purpose is wang, obviously, but there is a critical reason for wanting to see the Dornan-ator on full-show.
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Some might consider it unhealthy, that I have voluntarily sat down twice now to watch a Fifty Shades movie with the express intention of seeing the dong, or even just the stunt dong, of a man I have never meant, had never heard of prior to these films (and will likely never hear of again after this trilogy comes to a merciful end), and have absolutely no sexual attraction towards whatsoever – he’s far too much like a custom-made Ken doll, for my liking. I have an obsession with seeing Jamie Dornan’s penis. The most interesting thing about Fifty Shades Darker is how mercenary the whole film is.